April 2012

Anti-social media

When you post a photo of your significant other on Facebook is it sharing them or shaming them?  It depends.  Couples are increasingly clashing over their postings and updates on Facebook and Twitter.  Sharing a honeymoon photo you’d keep on your desk at work is probably fine with both partners.  But if you’re poised to post a rear shot of your beloved in a bathing suit, think again. As any comedian can tell you, the line between humor and hostility is a thin one.   Keep that boundary solid.

  • Always clear any photo, status update or newsfeed item with your partner before making it public.
  • What goes on in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.
  • Don’t express or try to resolve a conflict in public.
  • If your tweet sounds like a screech, scratch it.
  • Don’t take offense of you are an enthusiastic updater of your newsfeed and your partner is not.  “Failure to post” doesn’t mean “Failure to love.”

The guideline for Facebook, and all social media, is “no surprises.”

It’s your party, and I’ll cry if I want to

Moving on after a divorce is tough—no doubt about it.  But do we really need a special ritual or gathering to mark the end of a relationship?  An article in yesterday’s New York Times—“Untying the Knot, and Bonds, of Marriage”—featured several couples who created a divorce ritual to put closure on their relationship.  Some couples enacted it privately.  Others put on an event: an officiated ceremony with friends, family—and their kids—in attendance.  But what’s good for the goose and gander may not great for the goslings.  The end of a marriage threatens children’s inner security—and, sometimes, their financial security as well.  The idea of resolution is abstract—and beyond the comprehension of children under the age of about 12.  Including them in a divorce ceremony may be like inviting them to an earthquake.  It’s a lot of pressure to keep your cool during a seismic event—and that’s exactly what divorce is for kids.  So, asking them to participate in a ritual designed for and by adults may be unfair.  In divorce, as in marriage, the needs of the kids should come first.

Read More»